As someone who has suffered from a mental health illness, I know just how important this day is. 7 years ago when I was pregnant with Little Miss Chatterbox, I found my mental health started… More
So I’m sure you may have noticed I’ve been a bit quite on social media the past few weeks.
To be honest I have just been feeling a bit blocked with my writing and I’ve been feeling like I have nothing to say, even though I know I have lots to say but just haven’t been able to put it down in writing.
I feel that most of the blog posts I have written have all been very much about my children, autism and a little about mental health but it’s left me feeling like that’s all I can talk about.
I feel that there is so much more I would love to share with all of you and therefore I’m hoping in the next few months to take my blog in a new direction, I will still be speaking about everything I currently talk about but I will also be expanding and talking more about other things I feel passionate about.
I feel that come September a new chapter will start for me, all my children will be going to school (still can’t believe Little Rascal is starting nursery, when did he get so big!?) and I will for the first time in years have a few hours in the day where I can make my own and focus on the things I love.
So I will be using the next week to solely focus on enjoying the last of summer with my family before they all start school, I may still put up the odd thing on Instagram or Facebook though.
I feel sometimes we just need to take a little time out and not put any pressure on ourselves and just go with the flow of life, so thats exactly what I will be doing.
I hope you all enjoy the last week of summer before you can all breath again and return a bit of sanity back into life.
As I lie in my bed going through Facebook and reading up on some of the autism blogs I follow, I start to question what kind of mother I am.
Little bear is now 8 and we first noticed signs of autism when he was just coming up to the age of 2.
So that’s 6 years now that we have know that little bear has autism.
But yet there’s there’s still a huge part of me that struggles with his diagnosis every day!
When I read all the wonderful things that parents write about their children and how they wouldn’t take their autism away I feel like a complete fraud for thinking that I wish I could take it all away!
Why is it after so long I still can’t get my head round it, why do I still feel so raw and hurt about my child’s diagnosis?
Everyday I wish I could just accept it and have the optimism that these wonderful parents have.
Little bear has been struggling so much in the past few years.
He’s been having a tough time with the world around him.
Everything that he struggled with when he was younger seems to have doubled and he’s finding things harder and harder.
Everyday he’s becoming more secluded and wanting to be alone.
He’s very happy in his own world but I wish I could be better at understanding his world.
Everyday I’m strugggling more and more to connect with my child because I’m finding it so hard to understand how he feels.
I wish that just for one second I could be a part of his world.
I wish I could know what he’s thinking, how he feels, what he wants and what he needs.
I love him so dearly, he’s my “baby” and is such a sweet little boy who has the biggest smile and gives the tightest hugs.
There really isn’t an ounce of badness in this child at all.
Yes he has days where his behaviour is very challenging but he is the most loving child I know.
I wonder to myself everyday will I ever come to terms with his diagnosis?
Why haven’t I been able to accept it?
I know having autism is a part of who he is and without it he wouldn’t be the little boy we love so much.
But it breaks my heart when I see him struggling so much or when I just want to be a part of his world but yet I don’t know how to.
When all I want is for my little boy to not have to struggle with the simple things that we take for granted.
I wouldn’t change him for who he is but if I could do anything to take away his struggles and to take away all the hurt then I would.
My only wish is that he will always have that beautiful smile on his face and will always continue to be that sweet little boy that melted my heart from the day he was born.
It’s been a while since I have written a new blog post and as the days go by I’ve found it harder and harder to have that time to sit and write something.
I have always felt that if I was going to write anything it would have to be a really good piece, something I would be proud to put my name to and other people would love it too. But then I realised that’s not why I have always written, that’s not why I decided to start blogging.
Writing has always been a passion of mine, something that I have found comfort in doing since I was a small child.
When my dad passed away it was one of the things that give me comfort, I may not have been great with words at that age but I knew how I felt inside, I knew the feelings I wanted to let go of.
I was able to express how I was feeling, I was able to offload those feelings and let go of them without keeping them inside where they were only causing me more hurt.
It’s one of the things that has helped me throughout my life when I’m going through tough times.
To be honest that’s not why I decided to write today though, today I decided I would write something from the heart, something honest and raw.
The past few days have been quite challenging, and I have found myself stuck in a rut again where I have no motivation and every day just seems to be the same thing, every day I wake up and i’m already thinking about bed time.
Unfortunately I don’t really deal with the summer holidays too well, they’re one of the toughest times of the year for me and my family.
Little Bear doesn’t understand that the school year is over and that he won’t have any school for 8 weeks, he craves that routine of getting up every morning and getting dressed for school, in fact we have had a couple of days where he has asked to get dressed for school and asked to go to school, he’s so used to that everyday routine and knowing exactly what will happen everyday that the holidays completely throw him out of sorts and make him anxious as he’s unsure of what will happen the next day.
His behaviour has been very very challenging lately, everyday since school finished he was been waking up in the middle of the night and will spend the whole night awake.
He will shout, kick, throw and hit the walls all night long.
When it’s morning it doesn’t stop, this will go on all day and the noise will continue all day long until he has a couple of hours sleep during the night.
Every night we are wakened by the same thing, it’s been so difficult that some days I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I have nights where I have been very close to getting into my car and just driving to get away from all the noise.
Days where I wish I had a pause button on life just so I could get 5 minutes of peace and quite, 5 minutes where my head doesn’t feel like it might explode from all the noise around me.
I’m not writing any of this to get any sympathy or pity, I want to give people an awareness of what the life of a family whose child has autism is really like.
There is still so many people out there that don’t have much awareness of autism, and that’s not their fault of course, I remember before Little Bear was diagnosed I had never heard of autism and had no clue what it was.
I also know that many people still think that a person with autism is someone who is super talented and gifted.
There may well be a small percentage of autistic people who do have these characteristics but everyone who lives with autism will tell you, if you have met one person with autism, then you have met one person with autism.
No two people with autism are the same, even twins with autism will be very different.
For my family autism means that my child has many struggles, it means that we have very long nights where he won’t sleep, it means he doesn’t know how to control his emotions, it means that he struggles to communicate his needs and wants to others, it means that life is that little bit harder for him and for us.
I love my child dearly but I hate the fact that he has autism! It’s the hardest thing that we as a family have to deal with on a daily basis.
I hope to be able to bring as much awareness as possible to other people when it comes to my childs autism.
I want him to be able to grown up in a society where he has understanding from others, where others won’t judge him because he behaves in a way that may be different to the way they behave.
To me the most important thing we can teach our children is not to judge others.
No one knows what goes on in anyones life, we don’t know how anyone else feels, we don’t know the daily struggles they face.
I hope that my being honest and talking about some of the struggles that I face will help in the way of understanding what it’s like for families who have children with autism.
I hope that other mums who are struggling can open up and talk should they need to vent.
I hate the thought of any one feeling alone in their journeys, we should all be able to help each other if we can.
Wow, I actually can’t believe that another school year is over already! This year has honestly been the quickest year yet.
It wasn’t too long ago they were off to school in their coats and woolly hats and now they’re finished and ready for swimming suits and shorts!
I have to say, I have a love/ hate relationship with the summer holidays. I mean I love the fact that I have finally turned my 6.50 (yes 6.50 sounds strange but those 10 minutes are for me to try and wake myself up, although usually it ends up just being an extra 10 minutes sleep because I love my sleep ) alarm off and won’t be seeing it again for another 8 weeks! But that doesn’t mean there won’t be any early morning wake ups, unfortunately my kids aren’t quite at the age where they love their sleep and instead will wake up before the sun even shines, which these days is before 5am!
Then there’s that dreaded washing the uniforms every single day!! Because my kids are far from tidy and clean when they come home from school and often come home looking like they spent the day rolling in paint and dipping their clothes in food. So I’m glad to not have that worry every night of making sure they have clean uniforms or ending up forgetting to dry the uniform and having to stay up late or wake up very early to have it dried. But since they won’t have those to wear every day it now means it’s going to be a fashion show in this house every day and they will be competing with each other to see who can wear the most amount of clothes in a day, bonus points if you wear it for 5 minutes and then change into something else, I suppose models do need to be able to do quick outfit changes after all.
The kids will also be trying to turn our house into an all you can eat buffet. Three kids, and not one of them eat the same thing. I mean why would they all eat the same lunch and dinner if mummy has nothing else going on and has so much time on her hands that she should be making three separate meals, right?
Yeah right that definitely won’t be happening, in fact most days lunch will probably be sandwiches or else McDonalds because to be honest I just know I won’t be bothered to cook and I have been so spoilt all year with the two eldest ones being in school at lunch time that I have forgotten what it’s like to make lunch for a whole family every day of the week. But I hear grannies kitchen is also open for business during the summer, so we might have to make regular stops there during the week.
But to me those are all things that can be easily sorted and probably won’t really bother me too much, my biggest challenge during the summer holidays is keeping three kids entertained for 8 weeks!
Now this is definitely one that I struggle with every year. The first week always goes relatively ok, we’re all happy enough about the summer holidays, the kids are excited to be off school, mummy hasn’t lost the plot yet and were all still the best of friends.
As soon as the second week comes it’s like ok what now? I have run out of ideas! Kids are bored and mummy is not as cheery as before and is loosing her mind!
I mean no matter how much I plan every year and how much stuff we do every year, it’s never easy having kids stuck to you the whole day! (ok maybe stuck isn’t the best way to describe it but trust me my kids really do be stuck to me) and it’s mummy I’m bored every 5 minutes and can I do this can I do that, he touched my stuff, she hit me, he done this, she done that!! It’s just never ending some days and then that’s how mummy turns into an overindulgent wine/gin lunatic over the summer holidays to try to blur out all the crap that goes on during the day.
I honestly have to give all the staff in schools some serious credit for having the patient
putting up with for all the kids the whole year! Not only teaching them, keeping them safe, watching out for them but also keeping my sanity (sort of) intact throughout the year. I honestly think as a mum I would be lost if my kids didn’t have school to go to.
I do love spending time with my children, but I also love having those few hours to myself where I can be more than their mum and for a few hours I can still see a snippet of the person I am.
So parents I hope you’re far more prepared for the summer than I am and if you’re just winging it like I am then best of luck, just make sure your fridge is stocked up with plenty of wine because you’re gonna need it!
But on a serious note I hope you all have a wonderful summer break with your children and make lots of new and wonderful memories, after all they are only small for a short time and we really do need to try and make the most of the time we have with them while they still enjoy our company and before they become too “cool” to hang out with us.
I have been nominated for a Liebster Award by a lovely mummy blogger who is the owner of Bringing up Izzy.
Thank you so much for the nomination.
The Liebster Award is in an online award for bloggers and a way of getting to know what other blogs are out there. Its a really fab way of finding other bloggers in your own niche as well as getting to know other bloggers.
There are a few rules you have to follow:
- Give the blog who nominated you a mention
- Answer the questions asked by the person who nominated you
- Nominate 11 blogs of your choice
- Ask the bloggers 11 questions you would like to know
- And don’t forget to let them know you have nominated them
These are the questions I have been asked, and my answers.
What is your favourite thing about where you live?
My favourite thing would have to be the fact that it’s a small village which means it’s a lovely quiet place and the people are so friendly.
What is your favourite movie and why?
My favourite movie is Eat, Pray, Love. It’s actually a book written by Elizabeth Gilbert. I love it because its such an inspiring movie! Every time I watch it I get something new from it.
Why did you start blogging?
I originally started blogging because I wanted to share my story with other mums, I wanted to let them know what I have been through in hope that they could get something out of it. But now it’s as much for helping others as it is for myself and I find it very therapeutic being able to share my daily ups and downs with other people.
What are you most proud of?
The thing I’m most proud of is being able to overcome a mental health illness (antenatal and postnatal depression). I’m proud that with all the help that I received I was able to come out far stronger than I ever was and for the person it shaped me to be.
What are you thoughts on reality TV?
I think it depends on what it is i’m watching. For years I watched Keeping Up With The Kardashians and I loved it! But the likes of Love Island I can watch at all it just bores me. But I think each to their own, I have nothing against it and do watch some programmes.
Your favourite drink is..?
At the minute it definitely has to be Gin with Fentimans rose lemonade, strawberries and lots of ice. But if its non alcoholic then probably the rose lemonade on its own.
Who gave you the best piece of advice, and what was it?
Oh this is a tough one to remember… I think the best advice I have ever got is from a friend who actually gives the best advice! She basically gave me the push I needed to start thinking about what I really want and to go and do it. I think that counts as advice.
Where do you spend most of your time?
I spend most of my time at home with my kids. But if i’m not at home with the kids then I’m usually meeting up with friends for a chat and some tea.
What is one thing you wish you could do?
Travel the world! This is one of my biggest dreams, in fact its been a dream of mine since I was a teenager. I really hope to be able to achieve this some day.
One night without kids, what are your plans?
Probably go to one of my favourite restaurants and grab a bite to eat with my other half and if there’s anything good in the cinema then go watch a movie. And if not then probably go somewhere for a few drinks.
When is your favourite time of year?
My favourite time of year has to be Spring. Not too cold and not too hot, but living in Northern Ireland means there will always be rain no matter the season. Not to mention I love flowers so it’s lovely seeing them all bloom in Spring.
My nominations are:
Bringing Up Izzy
A Mums Equilibrium
The worn out mumma
With love from p
Little life with l
Growing up with nature
Blogger mummy Lauren
Growing in the little things
And my questions are:
- Who do you admire most in the world and why?
- If you had a chance to change one thing in the world what would it be and how would you do it?
- If you could change one law what would it be and why?
- What do you think is the most important thing women can do to empower each other?
- What countries have you visited and which was your favourite?
- What is the best piece of advice you want to give your children?
- If you could invite 5 famous people to a dinner party who would they be (it can be anyone living or no longer here)?
- If you were given the chance to speak in front of world leaders what would you say to them?
- What’s your opinion on Feminism?
- What’s your favourite book and why?
- What’s the one thing most people don’t know about you?
I hope you enjoy answering my questions and I look forward to reading them all.
And once again thank you to Jade from Bringing Up Izzy for the nomination, make sure to check her blog out and to check out the blogs of all the other bloggers I have nominated. They’re all fab blogs and worth a read.
Link to all your queries about the Liebster Award :